“Can’t they see I’m lying in my own pool of blood? What do they expect me to say? What more should I do for someone to come to my rescue?”
Oscar is in so much pain that she wishes to say she wants everything to end here, right here, right now. She wants to put an end to everything. “Life isn’t worth living. This is a trap, I don’t wanna live. Everyone, everything is a fucking lie”
In that desperate moment, I can sense that she doesn’t need validation for her frustration, but she may need validation for her suicidal thoughts. Although they are not tangible, they are real. Some listeners might sit with Oscar’s fear and distress, and say “Of course you feel sad. I understand how you feel”. That is one way to comfort the nerves. Another avenue I explore is by saying “I heard you say you wanna bring your pain and life to an end. I respect that you are considering seriously to kill yourself but I hope you will stay. Now, tell me what happened”.
Throughout the thirty years of her life, she has been a fighter. She learnt to be independent when she was 6, when her father left the family and brother fell ill. I can see Oscar has had a hundred cuts accumulated over the last three decades, and that now she is bleeding her last drop. I imagine the last thing she wants to hear is; “That sounds very difficult but you need to work on it. Have you tried mindfulness?” She has always known how much self-efficacy she has, which makes her suicidal thoughts scary. She has been so capable all these years, she doesn’t know what “losing control” means. From those childhood hardships, I can guess by now, she will have understood the meaning of every motivational quote; “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, “Nothing is impossible”, “If you can get through that, you will get through this”. But humans are social beings, we need a companion and an anchor at times, we can’t overcome everything ourselves. From clinical experience, when someone like Oscar who has missed having a reliable anchor since the age of 6, motivational quotes and reassuring comments are probably what she needs least. What she really needs is someone to acknowledge this vulnerability in her that all humans share.
When life has given you a hard time for twenty years or more, your feelings grow numb and they reach saturation. You need to let off steam. Oscar knows exactly what went wrong, what suicidal feelings are like, but she is to scared say as much. She has worn this strong and independent persona for far too long, she has forgotten she has the need to articulate distress or cry for help too. An emotional breakdown like this one is unlike her, she thinks that she has become “depressed, abnormal and crazy”. However, in my view, she is simply having a hard time and she doesn’t know how to express that she is struggling with all these scary thoughts and inexplicable feelings. What she needs is time, some emotional and moral support, stability and certainty. Those are what we offer in the Oracle sessions. In a safe space and with a consistent schedule, Oscar manages to face her emotional turmoil and regain energy slowly but surely.
Disclaimer: The clients have given their consent for all the publications and their names have been changed to protect their identity.
If you are interested to learn more about mental health, here is a list of recommendations on different presentations of mental health difficulties:
Books
<The Vegetarian> written by Han Kang
Music
Mika Nakashima - 中島美嘉 - 僕が死のうと思ったのは (I Had Thought of Dying At Times)
TV series
<This Way Up> written by Aisling Bea
<It’s Okay to be Not Okay> written by Jo Yong
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 800-273-8255 and online chat is also available. You can also text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis text line counselor.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
In Hong Kong, you can contact Samaritans on 23892222, (Different languages: 28960000), the Richmond Fellowship of Hong Kong (利民會) via 3512 2626, Suicide Prevention Services (生命熱線) 2382 0000, Tung Wah Group of Hospitals CEASE Crisis Centre (東華三院芷若園熱線) 18281.